Posted on 2007-02-06
I was going to entitle this "The Rest of the Story" but I do not believe the story is over. But I am ready to kinda fast forward to today. I believe it is good to review one's life from time to time. Take notice of the mistakes one does not want to repeat, enhance the good things that perhaps were left behind but too much time spent in the past isn't healthy. "The Power of Now" is important...in some ways this moment is the only moment that matters. It is too easy to worry about the future and regret the past and then precious, normal moments are lost forever.
Payten and I established our life and for over 3 years it was our life alone. We began attending a church, something I hadn't done since I was in high school on any sort of a steady basis. I was sincerely devoted to being a single mom, I developed friendships with other single moms and Payten flourished. After her colicky stage was over, she was a delight. She has always had an innate knack for drawing people in and throughout her school years, even school staff has said, "Everybody loves Payten". While her father pays child support religiously, he has neglected to be anything other than a bit player in her life, something she has handled with an amazing bit of maturity, other than a short dip into depression about it when she was 11. Since then, she says that it is his loss and she is right.
During this time with Payten, I became convinced that I was not someone who did relationships very well. This particularly was true after a 6 month relationship with Matt. One thing about my taste in guys, it is surprisingly diverse (something I really hadn't thought about since now). Matt was a blue collar worker, t-shirts and blue jeans and NASCAR. He dumped me when he realized my daughter was blacker than she appeared from the pictures he had seen. Despite really not having very strong feelings about Matt, his leaving me brought back the feelings of all the previous losses and in 1996 I began taking Paxil and found a good therapist, prompted by severe anxiety attacks throughout the holidays of 1995. Though each step I have taken through life has been a step of growth and usually a step in the right direction, I still needed to process all of the losses I had. The loss of having parents capable of helping build a strong sense of self, the actual loss of my mother that occured in early 1995 3 months after a cancer diagnosis, the loss of Bill, the life I dreamt we would have forever, the loss of my marriage.
After a couple of years, I "graduated" from therapy and decided that Payten couldn't be an only child. It had been a very negative experience for me and even though her experience was so much different with her various activities, neighborhood kids, etc. I began pursuing the adoption of a little girl from Russia. Kyler came home at 16 months in 1998 and she was quickly followed by a newborn African American baby, Ryann, whose birthmom was working with a lawyer friend of mine.
In early 1999, I was a busy mom but enjoying every minute...as overwhelmed as I had felt during Payten's infancy, this was quite different. I guess I knew I'd be doing it all from the get-go and that made it easier. I also had a strong support network of friends, many of them single adoptive moms. I bought a house in the 'burbs and in many ways had come full circle--back to parenting, back to the 'burbs---everything there but the guy and you know how, when you aren't looking, things just fall into place. . .
I met Ray about the same time Ryann (no, her name has nothing to do w/his) was placed with me. . .actually we had had business dealings several years before but it was in 1998 we began, through work, seeing each other daily and working on a big project together. We became great friends---very likely the closest, can-talk-about-anything friend I've ever had. Ray has never been married but has 2 grown sons. From the day we met, he clearly stated that he didn't believe in marriage, that it was overrated, that he was too set in his ways to begin to consider it now and that was that. This is what I love most about Ray, he is more honest than anyone I've ever known and expects the same in return. Anyway, after about a year, we discussed adding the "with benefits" thing to our friendship and after careful consideration I agreed that it was something I could do (rather than just falling into bed as I had in the past, this was a very planned out thing). Less romantic, but, after about 8 years, more solid than anything that has been there in the past. The only unexpected blip came about in early 2000 when we became pregnant with our little girl, Jaden. As opposed to when I had Payten, this was totally unplanned. Ray was fine with it though and to this day, he adores his late-in-life baby girl (he was 54 when she was born) and is an on-going part of her life and also serves as a dad-figure to my other girls. We live separately but are in daily contact. One thing I learned though, is pregnancy takes a much bigger toll on a 37 year old body than it does a 27 year old body!
I've seen Bill and the girls two or three times since 1992. He remains my first great love and thinking about him still brings about stronger feelings than anyone else in my past does. Sydney and I have maintained contact since she was 8 years old, after all, I was the first mom she remembers and that attachment will always be there. Bill and Sandy never divorced. She moved to Salt Lake a couple of years after him and together they entered the Mormon faith and have renewed their marriage in the church or something like that.
So now, my 4 girls and I are living a fairly drama-free life. They are all busy with school and involved in numerous activities. Their cranky, crochety grandpa lives a few hundred miles away and we visit him as often as we can. I am busy with my home-based business. We are financially comfortable. There is not a quite, shy, picked-on one in the bunch of my girls. Just the way I like it! So, although this isn't the end, from here on out, this is going to be in the here and now, because afterall, we all only have today.
