1985 - 1986
Believe it or not, I still managed to graduate from college in the spring of 1986. This is amazing for me to look back upon because after meeting Bill, college was toward the bottom in priorities after Brya, Syd and Bill. I made it to all my classes and took several classes via correspondance (waaaay before online classes came to be) but otherwise was pretty much a full time stepmom. And loving it. Bill remained married to Sandy but was getting more and more frustrated with her apparent lack of interest in her own kids. During the time we remained in the midwest, she visited once during the summer of 1984. I was too nervous to stay around even though she apparently knew that I was staying there. It was a small town, remember, and news travels. Plus we had not even made an attempt to hide the fact I was essentially living with Bill and the girls. I've heard she didn't really even care at first as she was making her own life and happily so. Sandy felt (so I learned in conversations that took place in later years) she had married too young, hated the little town they were in and had never really wanted to be a mom---once the kids were born, she felt like she was suffocating and had to get away. Bill and Sandy formalized their separation and I was initally ecstatic. As the months went by, it appeared that neither was in a big hurry to file for the divorce and my dreams of getting married anytime soon and giving Bill more babies was fading.
We were still together though and that is really all that mattered to me at that point. I was again very hopeful, when in early 1985, Bill suggested moving far away from the gossiping tongues of our little town to coastal Georgia, near Savannah, where he had an opportunity to join a practice. We packed up that summer and moved to a beautiful house about 10 minutes from the Atlantic. Just us and the girls. A new start and I could continue taking classes (this was the beginning of my senior year) there and graduate on-time in May 1986 (I'm not sure why this was so important to me at that time, but I must have had a sense that I couldn't rely on being an at-home mom/stepmom forever).
By the time we moved to Georgia, though still happy and quite in lust with each other, the new was wearing off a bit. The first arguments ensued during this time and each time one took place, I was sure he'd kick me out the door and we'd be done. I was so insecure. I had no idea what a "normal" relationship looked like because the way my parents had related to each other was simply so strange. The arguments were mostly about stupid stuff...I'm sitting here trying to remember one and can't but underneath it all, I think I kept was picking at him to get a reaction---I wanted him to get a divorce and even though we had only rare conversations about this, I do think I probably started a lot of things to either get him to push me away or to make a commitment. It would be years before either would occur.
In the meantime we were building a good life. The girls, who rarely saw Sandy, began calling me mom and I would guess the vast majority of people in the neighborhood never gave it a 2nd thought that Bill and I were married and that both girls were mine. Emotionally, they certainly were. Bill and I shared common interests and spent tons of time exploring that part of the country, learning the history and spending time on the beaches. Sex was wonderful. Many of my friends had lost their virginity long before I did and had talked about how it wasn't nearly as fun as they thought it would be. For me though, I had never felt so comfortable in my body and I loved the feeling of having the power of making someone want me so. Perhaps it was his academic knowledge of anatomy but I am the only woman I know (not that I've asked tons of people, however) who had an orgasm the very first time. Yes, it hurt like heck but what a trade-off! And after a few times, when the pain was gone.........! I hadn't known anything could ever feel that good.
