A Journey Through Life...'s Blog

Pretty much same old, same old suburban life lately.  Things are fine.  Spring may actually finally be here after the longest winter I remember since living here.  It's raining all the time though so we still haven't had many warm, sunny springlike days.

Softball season is underway.  Sean.  Rob.  Need not say more.  Great guys.

I've read a couple of good books recently.  "Deer Hunting with Jesus" and "Three Little Words".  After returning from Florida in March, I worked for a couple of weeks and am now taking 2 more weeks of vacation before the 'use it or lose it' date of May 1.  I could really get used to not working I think.  Got the house cleaned up a bit by throwing out lots of junk.  Still have to do a couple of closets/drawers in the next couple of days but I've spent the last couple just really doing nothing except relaxing.  It's been pretty fun.

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have been really, really cold and snowy here in the great midwest.  Its been so cold and so snowy for so long that I think I've forgotten what it feels like to walk outside without wearing my super-sexy-snow boots.  On the plus side, I've personally shoveled and chopped 50 inches (for real) of snow and ice off my driveway and sidewalks.  Now that's some good arobic exercise.  That's not why I'm posting though although maybe its been so long because my fingers have been just way to cold to type.

Lets see, in the past two months I've began to become Lutheran.  The church the 3 little girls had been going to on Weds. nights simply stopping doing their Awana program each week because attendance had dwindled.  Kyler's friend invited her to her Weds. night program at Lutheran Church of Hope and she loved it.  Since the first of the year I've been bringing all 3 of the little girls there each Weds and its a pretty neat thing.  So neat that we, kinda on a whim, checked it out on a Sunday a.m. and we all found that to be pretty neat too.  So, that's where we've been going for about the last month except for on the weeks I have Children's Worship at the church we've long been members of once each month.  Luth. Ch. of Hope really has something pretty special going on there.  It is one of the fastest growing churches in the US and definitely the largest protestant church in Iowa with about 8500 members.  For several years I had wondered what so many people saw in that church that caused it to grow so fast and after a few weeks of visiting I could feel why....I still can't put my finger on one thing that makes it so special but it is just a really comfortable, easy place to be.

Payten is now a varsity basketball player.  After 3 games at her new high school, she began starting for varsity.  Quite a move up from when she was at her other high school.  Jaden is now officially playing on a Y team too.  She has her last game of the season tomorrow. 

I spent some time tonight looking at pictures of the past 16 or so years.  Sometimes it makes me sad to see how much all of my babies have grown up but not tonight.  All in all, the girls are all at a fairly good place right now and looking at the pics felt good.  It felt like they've come a long way and are continuing on their way to have good lives.  If Payten stops getting traffic tickets at least!

The biggest news is that we leave for Florida in 6 days!!  We're doing Disney and doing it right.  Ray, the girls and I.  This will probably be the only time we do Disney....all of us....together.....Payten leaves for college in a couple of years.  The nice thing is that every is now old enough to remember it....it just seems like the right time. 

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Time for one of my sporadic pondering/ranting posts.

It's probably just a sign that I'm getting old but more and more I find myself just shaking my head at this country and world.

Lets start with politics.  I'm a democrat, have been since I switched during the Reagan years because I simply couldn't tolerate a president who opened the doors to our nations mental institutions and said, in effect, good luck y'all and then proceeded to sleep through office.  Even though I'm a democrat, that doesn't mean that there aren't some facets of republicanism that make a lot of sense.  I'd honestly be a republican too if I were blissfully married to a hard working white man who was madly in love with me and we lived in either northwest Iowa or anywhere in Utah.  If I had someone to take care of me in the way I've always dreamt of being taken care of (yeah, I grew up with the princess/knight in shining armor dream)---someone to fight my battles for me.  God, however, had other plans for my life and I've had to battle my way through most of it.

The "idea" of social conservatism really does make sense---I do believe that kids stand the best chance of adult success by growing up in a loving, 2 parent home and yes, I even believe that it is best if there is one parent present of each gender.  Mothers and fathers DO each have something valuable to contribute to the upbringing of children.  In essence, if we could guarantee that every 2-heterosexual-parent home were loving and non abusive, we would eliminate some of todays social ills, maybe even most of them.  Problem is, for whatever reason, this simply isnt' reality now and I'm not sure that it ever was.  Even during the Leave it to Beaver era.   The social conservatives preach this family ideal but for most of us human beings, it is something that we will never experience for reasons most of us don't really even know or understand......perhaps we're dealing with the mental fallout of our own childhoods, perhaps we're just plain mean, perhaps we are attracted to unavailable men, who knows?  Maybe its just that God wants a little variety in His world  but the reality is that there are kids and even some adults out there that need help evening the playing field a bit and there is simply no room in the republican party for that.

As Iowa demonstrated last week, most of the repubs here are evangelical Christians.  It is primarily because of my religious beliefs that I am a democrat.  I just shake my head when I listen to the self-serving folk like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and try to equate them with the "Christian" party.  I think there are many good reasons to like guys like that so long as you are rich and non-religious.  They have a 'look out for number one' mentality that sounds mighty good if you're the one at the top of the heap.   Lately I've been listening to Hannity quite a bit and what he says makes a ton of sense....if you are wealthy and don't want to lose what you have and get frustrated helping those who keep needing help.  In my Bible I do not read of this theme anywhere...in fact it is directly opposed to most of what Jesus taught. 

Nuf picking on the 'red' folk.  The 'blue' don't have it all right either.  Nor am I in  a position to judge because I have 2 kids w/2 guys as well but I'm sick and tired of girls between say 15 and 22 having sex and having babies with whomever. Guys they have no intent of staying with for the duration of their lives.  I wasn't married when I got pregnant the first time but I was 27 and gainfully employed.  Art and I eventually got married (didn't last) and did our best to make a family.  When I got pregnant at 36 knowing Ray and I would never marry, I had successfully raised 3 children for a decade, including 2 I adopted.  Even though I support a woman's right to have an abortion I personally would not do this except in the most dire of situations were health of either I or the baby were threatened.  That wasn't the case and Jaden has been truly one of the most wonderful things to ever grace my life.  Unfortunately I think it is because of people like me (older, financially and generally emotionally and socially secure, employed, Murphy Brownish types) that all of these working class girls are getting pregnant.  We've made it look easy (I have financial and social advantages and I'd never describe the past 16 years as easy) and they think they can do it too.  In the schools now we are seeing that they really can't.  Public school kids' behavior is out of control.  What used to be relegated to the inner cities is now throughout every place except the upper rung suburbs---overweight kids' whose parents have never taught them self control or respect muddling through their special education classes and dropping out to create a new generation just a tad bit worse off.  It's gotta stop.  It's sad that a high school in what 10 years ago was in a decent part of town now has over 50% of its kids on free and reduced lunches.  Yes, we certainly can put some of the blame on Dubya and his tax cuts/job losses etc. but not just on him.  Stop having babies without educating yourself first.  Stop having babies you'll never be able to afford.  Just stop already.  If you've already had the baby realize that you'll never be able to give them a good shot at life unless you 1) get an education and job to support yourself and your child, 2) stop dating---once you're a mama, that's gotta go on a shelf and the kids gotta come 1st, 2nd and 3rd, 3) establish YOUR own home, can't live with mama or the boyfriend of the day forever.  Give that kid stability.  Teach them that adults deserve respect--yourself and teachers and all others.  Help them learn from your mistakes.  Even though I've raised 4 girls as a single mom most of their lives, I do not wish this for them.  I want them to still hold out for the dream.

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Iowa has spoken.  A good percentage of US citizens pay attention to my quiet little state for a short time once every 4 years or so.  Today was such a day as we had one more go-round at having the nation's first democratic and republican caucuses tonight.  It was also my first time caucusing, what an interesting experience....Pretty disorganized and haphazard, but interesting just the same.

I caucused for John Edwards.  I was so divided between him, Barack and Bill Richardson and well, his people just did the best job woo-ing undecided me I guess.  Bottom line though is that in Nov. I will vote for ANY democratic candidate over the outwardly hypermoral but truly immoral republican. 

Anyway, its all over after tonight.  The 2500 (for real, although some are local) media will leave town tomorrow along with every single one of the candidates and Bill Clinton.  Among others.  And Iowa will be shuffled to the back of the pack again for the next 4 years as nothing exciting ever seems to happen hear. 

In other news, I started Jaden on valerian root over Christmas school break.  Today was her first day back at school and she did an AWESOME job of paying attention and staying out of trouble.  Yea her!

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Let's see.  We're 3 days into Christmas break and so far, so good, I guess.  Thursday, before Christmas break, the 6 of us celebrated Jaden's 7th birthday at Ryan's Steakhouse.  My 2 youngest girls love that place.  To me, the food is OK but there is just something about it that reduces humans to cattle rushing toward the feeding trough.  That's what it looks like anyway.  Plus there are fewer and fewer staff people who speak English there and the diners are pretty exclusively redneck but still, we had a nice time.  Hard to believe my baby is SEVEN! 

Saturday it snowed, quite a bit so I got my shoveling time in.  It's still too snowy and icy to walk my 2 miles so I'm totally into shoveling to burn those calories.  Today was was even tempted to shovel the walks of some neighbors---not next door mind you, but neighbors a couple of blocks away that when I drove by hadn't shoveled their walks yet.  Resisted the urge though, thought it might seem kinda weird to them to see this woman walking around with her shovel randomly shoveling sidewalks.    Rented 3 movies and watched "Deck the Halls" this evening.

Sunday a.m. was church.  In the afternoon we watched "We Are Marshall" and tried to watch "The Astronaut Farmer" but the latter was pretty weird and boring so didn't get through that.

Today, got groceries for tomorrow this a.m.  Replaced several lightbulbs with the newish kind that's supposed to last lke 9 years and save tons on electricity and did a few other odds and ends.  The kids opened 1 Christmas present each so we spent alot of the afternoon playing Monopoly--Ky's gift of the day.

Tomorrow we're going to do various kinds of soups at my friend Jean's house.  I feel bad for dad being alone and we were going to go up there but with the snow on Saturday, decided not to.  Still thinking about going next weekend though.

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Hate may be a bit strong but this month is like a minefield of emotions in normal circumstances and this year there is other yuck stuff to go along with the usuals. 

I turned 44 on Dec. 2.  'Nuf said.  There is nothing young, fun or romantic about turning 44 unless you happen to be running for President in which case they make 45 sound like the new 25. 

Speaking of Barack Obama, I got to see him AND Oprah last Saturday.  Pretty fun actually.   Saw them between ice storms.  No actually an ice storm started while they were here which made driving home a bit of a challenge but it was worth it.  OK, so that was a fun spot in an otherwise yuck month.

We've had 2 ice/snowstorms in Dec.  Actually I guess there is a bright side to this as well.  The bad part is that I'm unable to take my daily 2 mile walk b/c of the ice but I've actually burned more calories by chopping all of the ice off my sidewalks and and driveway.  It is also a wonderful opportunity to vent all of one's frustrations by repeatedly stabbing the ice with the blade of my handy dandy ice chopper tool thingy.  Quite rewarding I must say.

Christmas.  I hate Christmas.  Really.  I play along for my kids but there isn't much about it that I like.  I do not dislike celebrating Jesus' birth but the whole thing has gotten way outta hand.....people spending hundreds on gifts for other people on things that they just don't need.  Crass consumerism.  Killing the environment.  Yep.  I'm sure that's what Jesus would want.  Stupid puffy fat snowmen and santa's blown up in people's front yards.  Everyone pretending that they have the perfect, happy family that will all spend Christmas day together having  a storybook kinda day. 

Kids are having some tough times.  Payten is changing schools at semester if she can.  Long story but the fact that she is changing and needs to change for a chance at happiness makes me sad.  Jaden is still talking and arguing in school alot.  I don't think I EVER got calls from any of my other kids teachers in 1st grade. 

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Gosh.  It gets harder and harder to come up with unique titles for these entries.  It's like the writing cells in the brain have gone on a vacation. Hope they come back some day!

Thanksgiving was good.  Went up to Sioux Falls to see the family.  Spent alot of time with 2 of the cousins who have kids just a little younger than my kids.  Spent time with dad too.  That was more depressing.  He's lonely, having alienated himself from much of what used to be his support system due to his paranoia of what others think about him.  His driving is getting scarier and his judgement too.  He really needs to come to Des Moines but refuses.  Several months ago we looked at a great senior apartment complex close to my home.  Too expensive by his standards.  He could afford it but yes, it would take most of his social security yada, yada. 

Read 2 books by Carol Kent over the weekend..."Laying Down my Isaac" and "The New Kind of Normal".  Pretty good.

Now we're speeding headlong into my least favorite time of year.  So far, it doesn't have me too anxious.  I've lost about 15 pounds since September and with eating better and walking 40 minutes per day, I feel better emotionally as well as physically, etc.  I've never liked cold weather, snow and Christmas is skewed so far from what it should be it kinda makes me sick.  I've made some fairly good memories during the past few years with my kids but when I was younger, I knew (thought) that everyone else had the big, happy, extended family Christmases that were never a reality for me.  We either wouldn't get invited to mom's extended family stuff OR Dad wouldn't want to go and his family didn't really ever do Christmas.  I usually got one or two presents each year from Mom and Dad but almost always had figured out what they were before opening them.   Oh yeah and of course my birthday is in there too....44....aaaaaaaccccccckkkkkk.  Oh well, Brad Pitt's turning 44 too so 44 must be the new 33, right? 

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The seasons are changing.  Yesterday was so windy that all of a sudden many of the trees are bare.  Yuck.  Not the red maple in front of my house though.  Being a little tree on the south side of the house, it missed the brunt of yesterday's wind.  It's still pretty.

Along with the weather, the kids' sports are changing as well.  Soccer, volleyball and softball have given way to basketball.  I love watching this b/c I actually understand it better than especially volleyball.  I also think the way good players move is a work of art, more so than in some of the other sports.

Jaden isn't old enough to play in our city league so I'm looking into having her play on a Y team.  She's so old beyond her years in some ways having watched her 3 big sisters do everything sportswise.  Payten is playing JV for the high school.  After last year's disappointment, she won't even consider trying out for varsity.  My town is suburban in looks but when it comes to high school sports, it is still very, very, very small town and when the athletic director's niece is the same age as you are and likes to play the same position, well, forget it.  She'll always get the upper hand.  I'm just praying that the AD's niece makes varsity this year as a sophomore b/c if she and Payten end up on the same team, there will be no playing time for Payten guaranteed.  I told her if she doesn't play much she can quit at Christmas break time and focus on soccer which is her first love.

Rented 'Blades of Glory' last weekend.  Funny.  Very funny.

MK is back to himself.  Sigh.  I want that man.

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Yesterday was just kind of a pleasantly surprising kind of day especially given that MK has seemed not himself lately or else is pulling back.  I miss our almost daily contact and the more humourous (spelling is an ode to him) side of him.  I'm letting him be however and continuing to work on the weight loss, exercise etc.  I was cranky tho for a bit this a.m. b/c I'm up a pound from a day or two ago and really have been watching it pretty close and exercising consistently.  What's up with THAT, I wonder?!  Muscle weighs more than fat I keep telling myself

Jaden and Ryann both had soccer games this a.m.  Final ones of the season.  It has rained so much lately that walking through the fields was like walking through a marsh.  The fields in WDM literally had water standing on them and your feet made this weird squishing sound with every step.  Kinda gross really.

After lunch I took the 3 youngest roller skating b/c Jaden hadn't been able to go to her school skating party earlier in the week.   I had brought a book and the newspaper to read but to my pleasant surprise a couple of other moms from my kids' schools were there, ladies I hadn't talked to in awhile so it was good to catch up.  One of them announced that on Monday she'd be filing for divorce from her husband of 20 years due to his gambling and alcohol addictions and his narcissistic personality disorder.  On the outside this looked like the perfect family.  I guess ya never know.  Sometimes I get so caught up in everyone elses' life looking so much more perfect than mine but it isn't always the case.

After I got home I took my daily 2 mile walk and when I got back home there was a strange van pulling into the driveway.  It ended up being GG, an acquaintance from a few years ago who was a foster parent who had a very interesting story to share about a former client.  She is a strong Christian and its pretty remarkable how God has worked through her and in regard to the little boy in question.

Ended the day by watching Billy Bob Thornton in "Bad News Bears".  In many ways, Billy Bob's character is like the male version of who I'd be if I didn't have such a strong sense of propriety (though without the drinking/smoking).  Its a movie I've watched several times and can still laugh out loud watching it.  That, and "White Chicks" are about the only ones I can say that about.

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tooth.

On Sept. 12 I had a filling put into a cavity in one of my wisdom teeth.  Yes, I'm 43 years old and until a few days ago I had all 4 of 'em!  I'm not one for much medical intervention.  I had both of my babies with a midwife and very few drugs (easier at 27 than it was at 37) and made it just fine.

Initially the tooth was sensitive to eating cold stuff.  This sensitivity increased over the course of the past several weeks until last Friday when it changed from being a 600 mg a day pain to a 600 mg every 3 hours pain.  Visited my dentist who said the cavity had been so close to the nerve that the filling probably irritated the nerve to the point of causing it to die.  Gave the choice of a root canel or having it pulled.

Over the weekend it became even worse and on Monday called to have it scheduled to be pulled early Tuesday a.m.  I was scared to death.  Ray, my rock, went along and I'm pleased to report that the whole thing went fine.  I chose to have IV sedation w/an oral surgeon and they were some of the best drugs ever!  I spent the rest of the day sleeping and very, very mellow.  I was so proud of myself for daring to do the sedation, get it pulled to begin with, etc. that I saved the tooth.  Weirdly, I'm pretty proud of it and have offered to show it to whoever wants to see it (so far have only ad a couple of takers on that one).  Really, the pain was honestly comparable to labor and it lasted longer.  That's why I feel like I gave birth to a bouncing baby tooth.

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Actually, this isn't going to be a negative post nor particuarly humorous. 

I spent this past weekend in Chicago (northern Indiana, actually) with my 2 oldest girls for Payten's soccer tournament.  We had a delightful time, just us 3 'big' girls.  Getting them away from my 2 younger cherubs for more than one night did us all some good.  I don't really think about how hard it is to raise 4 girls until I just have the two who are both old enough to really be decent human beings much of the time.  Payten and Kyler even really seemed to enjoy spending time w/each other over the weekend.  We got to eat at our 2 favorite restaurants Des Moines lacks, we got to see the city and Payten got to win a couple of soccer games.

Driving in on Friday evening we stopped at restaurant #1.  Something fancy or at least a Chicago deep dish pizza place?  No.  Steak & Shake.  We weren't even in Chicago yet.  We stopped at the Steak & Shake in LaSalle, IL.  I  believe LaSalle has  population of, oh, maybe 20,000 and they get a Steak & Shake.  Des Moines' metro population is over 500,000 and we don't.  I hate that.  More than you can imagine.  What sense is there in this?  I'd even drive to the other side of town for a Steak & Shake.  Friday, though, we were there and it was good.

Saturday a.m . brought 2 early soccer games w/a win and a loss.  Around noon the 3 of us headed to the city.  I've been to Chicago several times but have never myself driven there.  I'm soooo proud of myself for navigating I-90 into downtown and PARKING!  'Course it was in a $23 ramp, but still.  We spent some time on Navy Pier before hoofing it to Water Tower Place, the mall Payten remembers from several years ago and loves (probably 'cuz there's 8 levels of MALL).  All in all though, a really nice day with the girls.  Tired feets at the end of it but really nice.

Sunday a.m. brought our last soccer game and another win.  Free to leave at noon, we stopped at DSM-missing-restaurant #2, Boston Market.  Now, we used to have several Boston Markets, one not more than a couple of miles from where I now live BUT, several years ago they all closed and mine was taken over by Krispy Kreme.  I'd give a year's supply of Krispy Kreme donuts just to get my Boston Market back.  This visit was a bit disappointing though, because I found out that their squash casserole is a regional thing...The BM's in Kansas have it.  In N. Indiana, they don't.

We had a peaceful drive back even though it was stormy for the last bit.  Payten drove through IL and I slept.  Can't get much more peaceful than that.  The calm before having the 2 little ones home Monday a.m. 

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It's been over a month...I've missed my daily visits but it seems like the Shoutpost neighborhood is changing a bit...some of the "regulars" are gone and to be fair I haven't taken the time to get to know some of the others but it also seems like it is getting to be more of a marketing site (for both views and products) and/or health condition site.

That said, I do miss it. 

A lot has happened in the last month and a half.  In some ways at least.  The kids are back at school.  Payten got into some serious trouble by letting a kid w/pot in her car and then taking a couple of puffs herself---she immediately felt guilty and came home and told leaving me with the quandry of a) do I consequence so she realizes the seriousness of this error or b)take it easy b/c she told?  I chose option a.  I marched her and the friend who was with her to the school which led to a 3 day suspension and suspension from playing in 1 basketball game and she only just now has gotten her car and phone back.  She is doing better though and has said she wants me to be strict w/her because she knows (likely from hearing me go on and on over the last 16 years) where drugs and alcohol will lead her.  Her grades remain A's and B's and she is working hard to gain some new friendships, hoping that there are at least a few out there who don't drink/use drugs.

Kyler is a solid C student in middle school and just fine w/it.  Very smart and very unmotivated unless it has to do with softball or dogs.  Ryann is a solid D student in 4th grade.  Poor kid......she wants to do well but we've had no success in finding out just what her learning disabilities are.  Jaden.  Smart as a whip.  No problem with doing her stuff quickly and very well but then she's out of her seat trying to "help"  the other kids to the chagrin of the teacher.  She has a great teacher though so we're trying to work through this together.

And then there's the coach.  As you can probably tell from previous posts, Ray's and my relationship has just kinda gone flat.  He is a wonderful guy and a good friend but the sexual piece of what we once had is gone.  Part of it are some of the meds he's on for high blood pressure and stuff and part of it is both of us being extremely independent to the point where our lives have just gotten really separate from one another.  We still get together and do stuff w/Jaden and often have lunch together but it, at this point, is really not much different than the relationship I have w/ close female friends.  I am far from a nymphomaniac but there is a big part of me that needs a physical relationship---not necessarily the sex (although that's OK) but at least some attraction, kissing, hugging etc.  The cute 34 year old coach I've spoken of before and his wife separated a couple of months ago and since that time we've just been finding more and more reason to talk, cross paths and generally platonic stuff like that.  I know a part of it is that I'm THRILLED someone 9 years younger than me finds me fun to be with (GO Demi Moore!) and at least somewhat attractive but I also have just really gotten to like him as a person.  He's had an interesting life (short as it may have been!) and has done a lot for my daughter.  He also has the sweetest smile.  Anyway, we've not really crossed any lines that I'd not want to talk to Ray about but it certainly seems to be heading in that direction.  All of this makes me feel like such a hussy but still..............

Signed,

Confused

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I got this funny from a coworker a few minutes ago in an email.  Makes alot of sense I think! 

Life explained

  Creation
On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you
a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty
Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

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I wish these were my words but they aren't.  A fellow Des Moines social worker, Jan Hill, wrote this rap and it is now making the rounds on YouTube.  If you'd like to see it search "momma's peace rap".

MOMMA'S PEACE RAP

I'm a middle aged mama with babies to save

and like all mamas, I don't want 'em in a grave

so I'm mad as hell and I won't take it anymore

it's long past time to end this crazy war!

The emperor tells us that we need more stuff--

all our money, resources and talent aren't enough

we have to conquer those foreign lands

and occupy them so they follow our command

But our country is abundant with all we need

our empire-building is purely greed

The only resource that's scarce these days

is the wisdom that we have to change our ways

Now emperor, I can see you're wearing no clothes

'cuz the naked truth is that you're causing our woes

You really don't care if everyone's free

Just freedom for you and your rich cronies--

to pillage our earth and plunder our people

and you hide behind a tall church steeple.

If you really believed what Jesus said

you'd be loving all the world's people instead 

of killing off thousands and torturing too

and being the world's bully--the enemy is you!

Now more have died than were killed on 9/11

and the ones who survive feel there is no heaven

'cuz the hell they've lived will be with 'em forever

and you thank 'em by ignoring their endeavor

You've made us afraid and we've been distracted

by toys and idols so we haven't acted

We've kept too quiet and tried to behave

We forgot we're equals, not pharaoh's slave

You work for us--you're a public servant

In democracy we must all be observant

and protect our rights of privacy and speech

and learn to practice what we preach

We know without justice there can be no peace

but justice for "just us" now must cease

'cuz the world's caught on to what you're doing

it's the folks at home you think you're fooling

Emperor, do you know that an empire's fate

is to keep starting wars until it's too late?

They end in bankruptcy and revolution

until they find that the real solution

is to love your neighbor and work together

for it's when we all win that the world is better.

So homeland security begins at home

better clean up your own house and heed this poem.

Bring our babies home and end this slaughter

so we can have peace for each son and daughter.

I want all our babies to have the chance

to live and love and laugh and dance.

So, now it's time to start the talk

if we want our babies to walk the walk

we gotta show them how it's done

with respectful negotiation, not a gun.

Not bombs or missles or WMDs

but United Nations peace treaties.

Feeding the hungary, freeing the slave

working together with the world to save

us all from the fate of war's destruction

to be the world's helper not an obstruction

Be a team player at home and abroad

and stop dividing us with lies and fraud.

I'm a peace loving mama with lives to save

To live in peace we must all be brave

'cuz the empire tells us to hate each other

and forget we all are sisters and brothers.

The empire will try to dis my words

'cuz its scared that when the truth is heard

it's harder to keep us in a cave of denial

but the light of peace is worth the trial.

Let's imagine a world without chaos and greed

and pollution, war, famine and need.

Where the empire's domination will cease--

A world where all can live in peace.   

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I was down to 2 kids almost all weekend.  Of course the two most high maintenance ones, but still.  Ky has been in SD w/my cousin for the past 2 weeks and Ray chaperoned his church's youth group to Kansas City yesterday, taking Payten with along with his granddaughter.   Then today she went w/his sister to her church, which being COGIC, was an all day affair.  I took my high maintenance younger two swimming yesterday, surviving 1 exact hour waiting under the front desk overhang area b/c there was thunder and lightening to the north of us....pool rule....must stay out of the water for 30 min. from the last heard thunder, never mind that the cloud that actually produced the thunder was probably over Minnesota.  It was sunny over the pool for all but a few minutes of the 60 we were out of the pool. 

Today we had church and went to Chuck E Cheese for lunch, just my 2 littlest ones (who still like Chuck E Cheese) and me.  What swimming and Chuck E Cheese afforded me was an opportunity to read a whole book, start to finish...Read "The Nanny Diaries".  Good.  Funny.  Weird cuz it makes me want to be a nanny in NYC for about a day, just to see if it really like they say...

When Payten came home tonight we watched Madea's Family Reunion.  I like Madea.  If reincarnation is real (I truly don't think it is) I'm determined to come back as a Strong Black Woman just like Madea.

Oh yeah, my other newest toy.....Google Earth.  What a riot.  I "drove" the roads we're taking to Chicago/Indiana next month, I swooped down to see my roof lots of times along with Disney World, all my old homes, people I stalk, I mean know......Very big brotherish, but very fun at the same time.  

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Here's what's on mine, not necessarily in this order:

Follow Me by Uncle Kracker

Last Dollar by Tim McGraw

Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson

Because of You, also by Kelly (Isn't this the perfect theme song for those of us who grew up in alcoholic or other dysfunctional homes?)

White America by Eminem

Cleanin Out My Closet by Eminem

Mockingbird, again, Eminem

Livin on a Prayer by Bon Jovi

Have a Nice Day, Bon Jovi

You Give Love a Bad Name, again, Bon Jovi

Goodbye Earl by the Dixie Chicks

Small Town by John Mellencamp

Bye Bye by JoDee Messina

Ten Thousand Angels by Mindy McCready

In the Ghetto by Elvis

There ya have it....music for almost every one of my moods.  :)

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It's not the heat but the humidity.  We midwesterners love to talk about the weather probably b/c we have such a wide variety of it.  Today it was oppressive...the kind of day when you walk outside and, if you wear glasses, they steam up instantly.  The kind of day that exerting any effort of any kind causes you to break out in a sweat.  The kind of day that makes you feel like you have a sauna just outside your front door. 

I had thought that it must be the hottest day we've had so far this summer but, surprise!! when I checked the temp at one point this evening it was a mere 81 degrees.  That's mild for this time of year so it proves once again, it really isn't the heat.  It's the humidity.

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What, oh what should I do.  I've made arrangements to take dear old dad to St. Louis to see his sister in a couple of weeks.  In the meantime, however, I found out that Kyler has double header softball games on both the Sat. and the Sun. we're supposed to be gone.  I've made tentative arrangements for her care (I gave her the choice of s'ball or going w/us) for 2 of the 4 days we're supposed to be gone and was going to get to work on the other two but then Payten found out that her ODP soccer tryouts are, yep, the Sunday we're supposed to be gone.  That is something that really can't be rescheduled.  Payten says that as long as Ky is w/her, she'd be OK w/ the two of them staying alone for the 4 days but I just don't feel completely comfortable with that.  Ray's been having some health problems so I don't want to ask him to stay w/the girls even though I know he would.  There really isn't another time we can go to St. Louis b/c Ryann's school has started and I hate to tell dad that the timing isn't right (mostly b/c of the guilt trip he'll lay on me) even though he last saw his sister on the 4th of July. 

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Today was one of the most laid-back days we've had in a long days and totally a family day at that.  A day that I'll look back and smile on....Only bummer part was that I forgot my camera. 

There is an older couple in church that babysat alot for Payten and Kyler when they were just babies.  They occasionally watch the girls now for a bit if the older ones aren't home but are now in their mid 80's.  Anyway, a friend of theirs owns a pontoon boat that he he keeps out at Big Creek Lake and we all went out on it today....just a nice, sunny, 72 degree cruise and some stops for fishing.  Golden child Jaden caught the one and only fish!!  A tiny little something or other that we threw back but fun just the same.

Payten, who is usually far too cool to hang with us for an entire day, did.  Jaden locked the keys in the car but I found out that I still have 1 AAA lock out service left on my membership which expires next month (between flat tires and lock-outs we get our money's worth each year).

Tomorrow is Ryann's little birthday party.  19 days late but we've tried having her parties on the date before but everyone is always busy with 4th of July stuff.  This year we are going to High School Musical at the DSM Playhouse.  She is just having two friends come along.  She does better in small groups and frankly, so do I.  Plus it will be a "whole family" day again and with just 2 friends we fit perfectly into one whole row....one more person would have thrown the balance off!

I spent recent hours planning vacations.   My dad told me recently that there were three things he wanted to do before he died one being visiting his sister in St. Louis (we are going there in August), the second being going to the Crystal Cathedral in California (over Christmas break) and the final one visiting Billy Graham's library in North Carolina.  I think he'd like to visit my cousin Julie in Oregon again too but she's up and moved to Japan to teach for the next year and that's just a little too exotic for him (and actually me too). 

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I took my kids (3 youngest) to Shrek 3 on Saturday and to the aquatic center on Sunday.  After being so busy with softball for so many weeks, it's hard to think of stuff to do when we have down time.  My kids have been daycare kids from the beginning and thus, are used to being on the go and have a low threshold for boredom and sitting around at home.

Shrek 3 was OK but not as good as The Bridge to Terabithia (sp?) that we rented Friday night.  Ohhh, I cried.  I am not usually a very emotional person but when the girl died I felt so bad for her parents and for her friend.  Excellent movie but I won't watch the whole thing again b/c I hate crying.

Swimming was fun.  I actually got sunburned sitting under one of the blue canvases at the pool.  I love it now that my kids are all old enough to go off on their own---gives me a chance to get some reading done.

My new laptop has been set up courtesy of the Geek Squad.  How I wish I was the one that came up with that concept---he's probably a very rich 32 year old by now!!

Have any of you ever tried Jenny Craig's diet plan?  Ray started a week ago and lost 6 pounds already---and he only wants to lose about 20.....I've got a little more than that to lose and am thinking of giving it a try. 

The girls were driving me nuts this weekend so I began a new point sheet last night.  Money for chores and good behavior.  Money they can spend on school clothes, etc.  I do really well w/these incentive plans for about 2 weeks and then it gets to be a pain to follow them but this time I'm making the girls more responsible for filling out their own stuff.  Hopefully that'll work better.

Payten's in northern Minnesota for a week at Leech Lake w/a friend's family. 

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I'm in another blogging dearth stage.  There really isn't much to write about.  Softball is over.  Summer is hot.  We had alot of fun on the 4th of July---our particular community has a huge bash for the 4th and we live just a few blocks from party central.  They have a huge parade that literally goes behind our house, a fairly large carnival and fireworks that again, are shot off at the pond behind our house.  All of this makes my house the place to be on the 4th.  Several friends came over and we had about a zillion kids total.  I think I'll be picking up the metal sparkler sticks for the next 6 months!  They are one of the few types of fireworks legal in Iowa so the kids each did probably about 30 and multiply that by the 25 or so kids that were here---you get the idea!!

The only other item of recent note is the foray Payten and I took into the world of modeling scams.  I know I've said this before but Payten truly is drop dead gorgeous.  I wish I could take the credit for this but she really is the spitten image of her dad and for everything else he was, he was certainly a looker---probably still is but I haven't seen him for sev. years.  Anyway, since she was little everyone was always saying that she should model.  I half heartedly looked into some different things over the years but they always sounded like scams---pay for these classes and we'll help you find jobs sort of deals. 

A couple of weeks ago there was an add in the paper by this 'new' company who promised 'no classes, etc. to pay for'.  We went down to the Embassey Suites (if you're ever in DSM, I'd recommend it, It's beautiful!) and sat through a couple of meetings that sounded really convincing until they told us that for $329 we should really buy a web page from them for exposure---They promised that there was local modeling work for catalogs, etc. but that models either need comp cards that they could do on their own or pay the $329 to them for a website that they'd set up for you.  They then proceeded to explain how, in the long run, it would be so much cheaper to do the website.   In a moment of weakness, I actually did this but immediately thought better of it and started to do some Internet research.  Turns out, according to the BBB, the guy running the place, Kerry Killowitz, has run several other modeling 'agencies' through the years and it seems like when the complaints start rolling in, he simply hangs a new name on his door.  Yes, Xtreme Talent is new but in name only.  The company's main source of income is from the 'models' paying for this website NOT from the modeling jobs.  Evidently the company does secure a few models a little bit of work but it sounds like most are never able to break even on their investment---$329 in Des Moines but over $1000 in some other cities---they must do there research and know what people are willing to pay or able to pay in the various communities they recruit in.  Anyhow, luckily I discovered this within the 3 day time period that one has to terminate any contact and other than the $25 stop payment fee on the check, am not out of anything.  I wonder how many of the others in the room have been so lucky?  All told, it was really a good lesson for my daughter about how if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is and we're both a bit wiser for the experience.

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hi ho, hi ho, it's off to car-x i go......

The joy of owning 2 cars.  Took mine it a couple of days ago and today Payten's 2000 Ford Focus.  Hopefully just an oil change but w/108,000 miles, one never knows!

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has gotta be Skippy Snack Bars, specifically the peanut butter and fudge snack bars.  The package says that they are "granola bars in a peanut butter coating"---that's gotta be healthy, right?!?!?!  Anyway, I remember from my weight watchers time that 1 Skippy bar equals about a meal's worth of points, but hey, there's GRANOLA in 'em so they can't be all bad!  Today is a much calmer day than yesterday thus far but even so, I have a feeling that it's a 3-Skippy-Bar day today! 

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I promise.  This is sooooo interesting though.  As soon as I posted my last post, I googled J. Barry Griswell---cuz he's my new nemisis and all.  I found an interesting bio on him on the Horatio Alger website.  J. Barry is a kind-looking man with gentle eyes (I was expecting horns and fangs I think).  J Barry had an alcoholic dad, single mom who worked a bunch of jobs---basically the kind of guy I'd usually admire....and the kicker, his bio ended with the same bibical quote I ended my last post with!  ( I truly didn't look at his bio first).  J. Barry, I gotta tell you, giving to United Way just isn't enough when you make $16K a year.  If you are what you say you are you could revamp the whole health insurance business.  Get off the golf course and set an example.  Start the process of supplying adequate and fair health care to ALL AMERICANS!

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In my last entry (a few minutes ago) I spoke of being argued out.  Here's why.  (Oh goody, just now one of the cats barfed.  I TOLD YOU IT WAS A DAY).  Cat barf isn't the issue though.  Insurance companies are.

Principal Financial is, I'm pretty sure, the largest employer in Des Moines.  They are huge.  They operate a bank, investment office, property holdings, life insurance, health insurance companies.  There was an article in the paper a bit ago that talked about how their CEO earns $16 MILLION annually but still has tons of time to spend on the golf course.

Lucky me.  They are the health insurer for my agency.  Ryann needs to begin Lupron shots ASAP because even though she's 8 she has a bone age of 12, boobs, hair in all the wrong places for an 8 year old.  Dr. says she needs the shots.  Principal initially said 'no'.  Doc fought it.  They said 'yes'.  Today I call to get the details set up and they tell me my copay will only be $271 each month.   She has secondary insurance---Medicaid (b/c of her special needs) but Principal won't work w/Medicaid.  I ask Principal what do I do and they said, "you'll have to pay the copay".  Impossible I say.  Unethical when your CEO makes more money in a year than this prescription could cost in a lifetime (or at least for the next couple of years as long as she'll need it) I say.  Obviously this wasn't the first time this customer service dude had heard that b/c he said, "Yeah, I wish some of that trickled down".  Anyway, I then called Medicaid and they helped me work it out BUT it literally was a whole day on the phone doing this.  I AM thankful that I have health insurance that my employer foots the bulk of the premium cost of, health insurance that costs my employer and myself over $1000 per month for my family alone.  But it is this kind of injustice that makes me want to throttle someone:

*An exec who loves to golf earning $16K---no one, no celebrity, no sports star, no doctor, no CEO EARNS that much or is worth that much.  They are simply subsidized and very, very lucky.

*Said health insurance doesn't bat an eye at covering Levitra, Cialis and all those other drugs to benefit men but yet they quibble over a medication to help a little girl hold off on the trauma of monthly periods not to mention sexually looking like a 16 year old when she is 8. 

Health insurance, in my opinion, is a basic human right.  I know there are problems with socialized medicine but there are also huge problems when someone can get rich (and not just a couple hundred thousand/year rich but RICH) off the backs of the average middle class sort of person.  Where is the common sense in this?  I don't know if that CEO has any sort of religious base but to me this doesn't matter because even if he doesn't, how can he even begin to feel like a decent human being knowing there are people struggling to pay premiums, copays and overall medical bills when he alone, could probably pay all of these for about 100 people without even missing the money!?!?!  Kinda reminds me of the bibical story of the Tax Collectors.  J. Barry Griswell is, without a doubt, a modern day tax collector.  J. Barry (or can I just call you J?) remember, to whom much is given, much is expected.

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It has certainly been one.  It's been one of those days that I'm afraid to do anything else because every weird freaky thing that could go wrong, has. 

Jaden has an old hand me down bike that's about 12 years old and on it's last leg.  It's been well used by all 4 girls plus she's about ready to grow out of it so no huge deal but it was stolen off our front porch (she was too lazy to put it away) today.  It just feels so violating to have someone that close to our front door in broad daylight---our house is set back a long way from the street----and walk off w/a tiny pink bike!

Had some weird work issues go on.  Child protection stuff has all been taken over by a private agency in Iowa and the right hand isn't aware of what the left hand is doing---bottom line, 2 kids were placed last week in an unlicensed foster home---too long of story for here but anyway......a pretty scary thing ultimately.

Payten's boyfriend broke up w/her tonight so lots and lots of tears.  He's leaving for college next month so its sort of a prepatory break up but sad just the same.

Took my car in today for an oil change and for what I thought was a muffler rattle.  Oh no, no, no.  Mechanic says that something is loose in the motor.  It is still under the extended warranty (it's an '04) but the guy warns me that unless I show proof of regular oil changes Chrysler is usually a butt about it and won't pay.  I have gotten my last sev. oil changes at Car X and they gave me the print out of what they did but before that....I went anywhere I had a coupon....I can't even remember all of the places...Walmart and a bunch of others....it'll be an awful lot of work to try to trace where I've gotten it done to get the proof....Guess I'm just going to ignore the rattle a few more days until I have the fortitude to argue w/Chrysler because I'm argued out right now!

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I'm being sarcastic, of course.

Actually until about 4:30 p.m. Sunday it was a great weekend.  Ky's team took 1st place in the Waterloo tournament.  She pitched a no-hitter on Saturday and we just all had a lot of fun.  Til 4:30 Sunday.  Let me just say that sometimes my brain must shut down and let primal instinct take over 'cuz out of the blue, I kick into crazy soccer-mom (or softball I guess in this case) mode.

It was 90 + degrees, hot, windy and shadeless for our last game.  The girls were troopers and played well.  After the game they handed out the trophies and then, as usual, the girls and coaches lined up for pictures.  One of the girls was screwing around and the cute 34 year old coach who likely was also hot and tired of being on the shadeless field w/a bunch of preadolescent girls said to the girl that was screwing around, "Jeez, M******, are ya retarded?"  It was then that her whiney, holier than thou mother had a minor seizure, ran over to her husband and told him that he needed to handle this and essentially ran to the car bitching to other parents the whole way.  The dad then went to talk to the coach with the buck-toothed little brat standing right there.  Being the mature (cough, cough) mother I am, I followed her bitching to the parents about holier than thou parents who have no sense of humor---two crazy, heat battered moms.  What a picture!

Why did this upset me?  My reasonable mind has trouble with figuring that one out.  First of all, I talk alot about the cute coach, but he's a big boy and certainly was capable of handling the consequences of his words.  Moreso, I think it was because I hate hypersensitivity---first of all, we all know the guy.  Heck they were all drinking w/him the night before (one other mom and I were the only two completely sober by the end of the night).  He's glib.  Any parent with a brain would have known he didn't really mean it (she's just ugly, clearly not retarded).  I also hate women that rely on men to handle their stuff and  I'm just always a bit bugged by her pompous, know it all, perfect mom attitude.  But who knows, maybe it was just the heat.

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This is what I should be starting on now instead of milling around here.  The list isn't the longest it's ever been but for some reason, I'm daunted by it.  I leave with the 3 youngest kids (and a teammate) for Waterloo this p.m., the earlier the better b/c Kyler wants her social time with the team at the hotel.  Usually I love out of town tournaments and I'm sure I'll be fine once we are there but Payten leaves for camp Sunday so she's staying in DSM with a friend 'til she goes.  I always miss her when she's gone and leaving before her this time has me feeling off kilter.  My firstborn.  My sweet girl.  It was just her and I for so long that it feels like part of me is missing when we're apart.  I'm getting better at this because she's already so busy with her life but still.......

Registered the girls for the next school year a couple of days ago.  Gotta love "free" public education---$300 + later.   This past year I had 4 kids at 3 schools and because I don't have enough to do, next year I've decided that the 4 kids will be at 4 different schools.  Ryann and Jaden of course COULD be at the same magnet elementary school they've been attending but it has never been a good fit for me for lots of different reasons.  This far along, Ryann can't switch b/c socially it would be devastating but rather than put up with it for 5 more years, I've decided to switch Jaden to our neighborhood school for 1st grade and beyond.  I know that the change will be the best thing for her and hopefully Payten will be able to drop Kyler off at the middle school each day so really, it shouldn't be too bad.

I just realized another reason I'm probably feeling a bit off kilter is that it's been about 3 or 4 weeks since I've been to church b/c of softball.  Church is always so good at helping me re-center.  Sometimes I get frustrated with fellow church members because they tend to be alot more politically conservative than I and the focus sometimes seems to be on "traditional" families of mom, pop, 2.1 children, dog, white picket fence.....and I really don't fit that look but I do miss the obvious opportunity to connect spiritually with God...something I need to remember that I don't need to go to a church to do.

Anyway, boredom and I don't mix well and the list today is as boring as it gets.  Groceries, movie store for new movies for the trip, cleaning the car, cleaning the house 'cuz there's nothing worse than coming home to a dirty one, laundry.  Yay.

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There is something seriously wrong with me.  Something not related in any way to my grief and loss regarding a blogger on here.  Really, truly something wrong with me.

How does everyone else deal with boredom in their lives---the boredom that happens when things are stable and going pretty well---the boredom of being with one person for several years and just wondering, WONDERING what it would be like to be with someone else? Wanting to have the rush that I think everyone feels when they are first in love?  I don't want to trade my kids in but I'm so bored with Ray right now.  Not mad at him.  Not sad or hurt at something he's done but just bored.  Does anyone else ever feel like this and if so, what do you do?

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I'll be the first to admit that I have some loss and rejection issues. 

I am so sad that one of the few blogs I've tried to follow on a daily basis has just up and disappeared.  I hate this!!  I'll be honest, there are only a few blogs here that I read on a daily or almost daily basis.  Many of the others are telling me about ringworm, colitis, that kinda thing so I get really bummed when one that is worth reading disappears.  This happened before a couple of months ago. 

Makes me wonder---when are the rest of you (and you know who you are) up and leaving me here alone??  Maybe I just get attached too quickly or something but sheesh!!  It'll be me and the colitis people soon if this keeps up.

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I just read that they've found Kelsey Smith's body.  Kelsey was the 18 year old girl kidnapped from a Target parking lot a few days ago in suburban Kansas City.  My thoughts and prayers go out to her family. 

 These cases are always so sad but this one, in particular, has so touched me---possibly because Kelsey looks like a sweet, all-American girl who had so much potential.  Possibly because when we go on our twice yearly soccer trips to Overland Park we stay very close to that Target.  In fact, I've been there several times.  Possibly because Payten is just a couple of years younger and she goes to "our" Target here--alone sometimes.

John Kennedy once said that having a child is like giving a hostage to fate and I guess this proves that statement once again.  We can't very well hold on to them so tightly that they cannot grow up and become independent and certainly making one's own shopping decisions at Target is a step toward independence.  In addition to that, we just have to think back to Polly Klaas to see that there are times that we cannot keep them safe even when we think they are asleep under the same roof we are under. 

God bless all of the families who have lived through this sort of tragedy.

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OK, sure, I know it's tiny and the faces are blurry AND I know I've said I'd never put a picture of any of my kids on the 'net BUT I'm just soooo proud of Ky and her softball team that I had to!

Ky is in the middle of the back row and the cute coach is in the back on the left BUT of course, since the faces are blurry you can't enjoy the cuteness! Of either one, that is. 

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But a successful weekend it was.  Ky's team took home first place trophies for their division in softball.  She pitched a near perfect game and played 1st well.  (and I got to look at her cute 34 year old coach all weekend, does that make me a dirty old woman, I wonder?)

Payten started Thurs. night's regional soccer game---scored once and 2 assists---one more game tomorrow and then hopefully to the state tournament baby!!

Ryann played well (soccer) and Jaden, in T-ball, pounded it to the grass!

Back to reality tomorrow.  Schools out and summer care hasn't started yet AND I have a couple of meetings to go to so hopefully everyone won't kill each other. 

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According to experts, my personality type is : World Leader Other people like me display these traits. They are good in bed They are gas station attendents They like jelly filled doughnuts They suffer from road rage Take the Ink Blot Personality Quiz at JokesUnlimited.com

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This is posted with the utmost respect.  Really. 

As a white woman with 3 black or biracial children and 2 out of 2 of my very best friends in the world being black, I am not a racist.  This is, however, an observation.  An observation that my friends confirm as true.

CPT = colored people time (what the older southern-raised people call it)

BPT = black people time (what my daughter and her generation call it)

These are the same thing.  I'm well aware of them.  I've experienced them before for example, waiting for my friend Terri.  I never have to wait for Ray though---something he is very proud b/c CPT has always driven him nuts.  But then there is a great amount of white blood coursing through his veins from generations far back plus he was raised in a predominantly white suburb and thus, is acculturated I guess.  He first taught me about CPT.

The graduation I went to Sat. night is a great example of CPT.  The invitation said dinner begins at 4.  A program begins at 6 and the open house portion at 7.  I get there fashionably late---4:30 and there is NO ONE there except the people setting up the food/tables, etc.  Oh yes, and 1 white family and a black family who are friends of Ray/suburban raised etc.  I shoudda known.  I call Ray and say 4 really means 5 doesn't it?  He laughs and tells me I shoudda known.

Well, the dinner (a marvelous affair by the way) began at 5:30.  I had 2 tired girls with me (ballpark all day) who were STARVED by that time.  Even so they maintained and ultimately the graduation was great---great food, great program and the kids slept well that night.

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What's with all the crap coming on this site?  Health info on yucky diseases?  OK maybe that isn't always crap but I don't come onto blog sites to read stuff like that, maybe some do.  Pharmaceutical sales?  Buying property in India?

Is it just me that thinks this is kind of a crazy venue for that sort of thing?

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I just gotta say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.  Normally I'm pretty low key---I enjoy my downtime and am by nature a homebody.  This weekend, however, I accomplished a lot and probably spent less than 2 hours of non-sleep time at home.  A litany:

Friday Night:  Kyler's 6 p.m. softball game; Payten 7:30 p.m. soccer game.

Saturday:  Ryann's soccer game at 9 a.m.; Molly M's wedding at 10 a.m.; K's softball game (a rec tourny-that's why so many games) at 10:30, R's softball game at 10:45, R's softball game at 1:30, K's sball game at 4:45, K overnight to Ashley's, a graduation at 4 and Payten overnight to Kelsey's.  (OK, I cheated.  Payten covered the 9, 10, 10:30 and 10:45 games for me, but still getting a teen out of bed at that time on a Saturday is an accomplishment!)  Thank goodness our soccer and softball complexes share one park!

Sunday:  church 9:30, softball games at 11, 12:30, 2, 3:45 and 5.  Sounds like a movie schedule.  My blonde body is sunburned and I feel like a need a weekend to recover from my weekend!

Don't want sympathy....I loved almost every minute ('cept for having to dress up twice on Saturday).  I guess I just want to document why my house looks like a bunkhouse on a ranch!

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Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

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Your Geek Profile:

Fashion Geekiness: Moderate Academic Geekiness: Low Geekiness in Love: Low Internet Geekiness: Low SciFi Geekiness: Low Gamer Geekiness: None General Geekiness: None Movie Geekiness: None Music Geekiness: None

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The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept of your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

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Thanks to you who are keeping Ryann in your thoughts and prayers.  The day did go really well.  Not one tear was shed.  Emla---miracle cream that numbs the skin so kids don't feel the IV going in at all.  The MRI (or big donut) WAS a big adventure that she slept through as she listened to the music of her choice.  I have only excellent things to say about the staff at Blank Children's Hospital particularly their Child Life Specialists.  Now we just have to wait 2 weeks to find out the results of everything.

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I've been doing a lot of thinking about the "victim mentality" lately.  It seems like perhaps this should be a mental health diagnosis in and of itself as I believe it is what lies behind most personality disorders and several mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, etc.

I am prone to this way of thinking and I came by it honestly.  My father is a professional victim.  He was horribly abused as a child and just never could overcome it.  Many of his siblings are professional victims as well.  I was too off and on until my mid 30's.  Therapy and Ray helped this immensely.  Probably growing up did a bit too.  I do know this change has to come from within which makes it difficult to help someone else.  Ryann is growing into a professional victim and it seems like there is nothing I can do to circumvent this for her.  She has had some crappy things happen.  Born exposed to high levels of cocaine, within 2 years followed by a pretty, bright and outgoing younger sister.  Learning disabilities and summer school and now medical stuff.  Her younger sister gets to go to a b-day party tonight.  Ryann gets to spend the day in outpatient infusion hooked to an iv trying to figure out how to stop the puberty pouncing on her at the age of 8.  This is where my frustration is coming out---not in front of her because it would be so easy to say 'poor girl' yada yada...and reinforcing the victim piece.   Instead I'm billing this as a day with mommy day---can't have breakfast?  we'll have lunch just the 2 of us at a place of your choice between the two tests.  An MRI is really just a big adventure.  That type of thing.   

Ry and Jaden found 2 baby bunnies yesterday.  Put them in a box on the front step for the night.  Jaden's is missing this a.m.  Ry's in there in good health.  Maybe there is some justice, huh?

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Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ISFP)

Your personality type is caring, peaceful, artistic, and calm. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 8% of all women and 6% of all men You are Introverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

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Happy, Happy 80th Birthday (today) to my Dad!!       

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Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them. You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist. Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry. If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.

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I'm like a blog stalker today.  Or a blog addict.  I just can't quit!  Actually I'm sorta on vacation because I had some days to use up before May 1st, my anniversary at work.  The house is fairly clean.  Laundry's done.  Just me and my 'puter.

I gotta share the story of Weird Ned.  Thinking about Weird Ned reminds me that there are much worse things than not being married.

Jaden's babysitter (before she started school) was married to Weird Ned.  Weird Ned, his wife and his children painted a picture of wholesomeness.  In church almost every Sunday.  Quite well behaved teen kids.  Smart kids.  House in the 'burbs.  Staunch conservatives being very anti-abortion and very outspoken about the horridness of Bill Clinton's transgressions.  Became terribly offended when I made a joke about being surprised that the sitter didn't take a day off when Ronald Reagan died, telling me what a great man he was, yada, yada. 

Anyway, in early 2005 a co-worker and myself became concerned that someone we entrusted with kids was selling their services on the Internet.  Specifically on a site called adultfriendfinder.com.  We set up a dragnet.  We were right on, catching him red handed (actually it was other red parts we caught), shut him down and life went on.  Except for during this ordeal, I discovered Weird Ned trying to pick up women for sex.  I had considered the sitter a friend of mine and was at a loss at what to do.  Because we were still in the midst of catching another dude, I anonymously sent her proof of his exploits which he promptly blamed on the co-worker having had set him up as a joke.  An expensive joke at $50 a pop for the top membership to the site.  Weird Ned's wife preached at ME for being on such a site ('scuse me, but this kinda reminds me of Gingrich's pursuit of Clinton while he was doin the same thing).  Fast forward to the fall of 2006.  A coworker had some more concerns about someone she was working with.  She had gone through my drama of "what to do about Weird Ned" the year before and immediately recognized his unique style of writing which was confirmed when he AGAIN sent a face shot directly to her (to add to the butt shot on the website).  This time I called the wife directly.  She had Weird Ned call me who again LIED through his teeth at the same time he was trying to see if I was really interested in a fling.  As I've stated before, I'm not perfect but the thought of a fling with Weird Ned just grosses me out.  He's kinda short, has a bald spot in the middle of his head and who knows what kinda diseases he's bringing around 'cuz he sure is working hard to meet someone to satisfy his needs.  At the end, when I told him I didn't believe his lies, he called BEGGING me not to tell anyone at church and that he'd get help.  Here we are 1/2 year later and I've heard that he is still trolling the sites but have no proof.  Nor do I want any.  I'm done.  If Weird Ned's wife believes his crap, she is not the person I thought she was.  As much as I don't agree with Republican politics, I'm frustrated that almost all of them have skeletons hidden in their closets.  There have to be some decent ones out there, right?  We Democrats, we're not perfect, but in general it seems like we do less to try to hide our transgressions.   

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100 little things about Journey:

1.  First Name:  Pam

2.  Last Name:  K

3/4?.  Place of Birth:  Sioux Falls, SD

5.  Male/Female:  Female

6.  Age:  43

7.  Car:  Chrysler Pacifica

8.  School:  Some work toward Master's in Social Work

9.  Occupation:  Social Work

10.  Initials:  PAK

11.  Screen Name:  Got a few

12.  Hair Color:  Dark Blond with Light Blond highlights

13.  Hair Length:  Above the shoulders

14.  Eye Color:  Depends on what I'm wearing--Blue/Green/Gray

15.  Best Feature:  Hmmm.  Depends on who you'd ask.

16.  Height:  5'9"

17.  Braces:  Never

18.  Glasses:  Yes

19.  Shoe Size:  8

20:  Diploma:  Yes

22.  First Best Friend:  Linda

23.  First Award:  Honor Roll

24.  First Sport Joined:  None

25.  First Thing Did Today:  Got outta bed!

26.  First Real Vacation:  Black Hills of SD between 5th/6th Grade

27.  First Thing Said Today:  Good morning Sissy.

28.  First Crush:  Doug Bos

29.  Movies:  Rent, Matilda, Monster's Ball

30.  TV Shows:  MSNBC Documentaries, 48 Hours, Law & Order (Reg and SVU), Court TV

31.  Color:  Purple

32.  Singer:  Depends on the day---John Mellencamp, Eminem

33.  Place to get Groceries:  Hy-Vee but I really always hate getting groceries

34.  Food:  Lasagne

35.  Season:  Spring

36.  Candy:  Chocolate

37.  Sport:  Anything my kids are playing

38.  Restaurant:  Olive Garden/ El Aguila Real

39/40/41:  School Subject:  All social studies classes

42.  My torti (cat)

43.  Book:  Whatever I'm reading at the time.  Won't ever read any twice.

44.    Magazine:  People (shallow, I know)

45.  Doing Before Started this survey:  Checked email

46.  Feeling:  OK, tired of the rain

47.  Wearing:  Purple shirt, navy shorts

48.  Cry About:  Man's inhumanity to man

49:  Eating:  Nothing right now

50.  Drinking:  Hy-Vee peach melba water

51.  Typing:  Duh....what do you think? 

52.53.  Listening:  Nothing really, me typing on the keyboard the neighbor hammering something on his house.

54.  Thinking about:  100 or so questions is really too many but I don't wanna quit now.

55.  Wanting:  the sun to come out

56.  Watching:  Duh....this?

57.  Where do I see myself in 5 years:  Probably here...doing pretty much the same thing.

58.  Kids:  2 biological 2 adoptive

59.  Want to be Married:  Sorta--depends on the day 

60.  Career in Mind:  What I'm doing now.

Opposite Sex: 

63.  Hair color:  Black or Brown

64.  Hair Length:  Short

65.  Eye Color:  Brown

66.  Measurements:  Uhh, I dunno.  At least 6 I guess.

67.  Cute or sexy:  Either

68.  Lips or eyes:  Eyes

69.  Hugs or kisses:  Hugs

70:  Short or tall:  Tall

71.  Easygoing or serious:  A little bit of both

72.  Romantic or spontaneous:  Romantic

73.  Good or bad:  Good with a tiny edge

74.  Sensitive or spontaneous:  Sensitive

75.  Hook-up or Relationship:  Relationship

Have I Ever????

78.  Kissed a stranger:  No

79.  Had surgery:  No

80.  Gone commando:  Briefly

81.  Ran Away From Home:  Noo, but I still want to sometimes

82.  Broken a bone:  Never

83.  Got an xray:  Yes

84.  Been on a cruise:  Nope

86.  Dumped someone:  Sorta

87.  Cried when someone died:  Yes

88.  Cried at school:  Yes

89.  God:  Absolutely

90.  Miracles:  Yes

91.  Love at First Sight:  No, more like lust at first sight

92.  Ghosts:  Yes

94.  Soul Mates:  Yes

95.  Heaven:  Yes

96.  Hell:  Yes

97.  Answered Prayers:  Yes

98.  Kiss on first date:  Sure

99.  Horoscopes:  No

100.  Someone I wish I had:  Yeah

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One of my favorite speeches/stories/poems/odes is the Sunscreen one that until recently I thought was the work of the late Kurt Vonnegut.  Turns out it was really written by a journalist, Mary Schmich who simply intended to write a funny article.  In my eyes, however, it remains much more true than funny.....no matter who wrote it

"Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.  The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.  Oh, never mind.  You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.  But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.  You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future.  Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.  Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy.  Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive.  Forget the insults.  If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters.  Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.  Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.  Be kind to your knees.  You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.  Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.  Your choices are half chance.  So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body.  Use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.  It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines.  They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents.  You never know when they'll be gone for good.  Be nice to your siblings.  They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.  Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.  Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths:  Prices will rise.  Politicians will philander.  You, too, will get old.  And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you'll have a trust fund.  Maybe you'll have a weathy spouse.  But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia.  Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen."

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